Just See them

That day will remain etched in my memory, a pivotal moment that will forever define my concept of time itself. It signifies the boundary between what has been and what lies ahead—before this day, and after.

My son was arrested during a mental health crisis. While it is not my intention to excuse his behavior, I firmly believe there needs to be change when it comes to dealing with mentally ill people and the criminal justice system. Jails and prisons aren’t equipped to take the place of mental health facilities. There is no adequate system in place to deal with the mentally ill population, and far too often, nobody sees them until they have committed a crime. Mental illness should not be a punishable offense. My son has mental illness, but that is not WHO he is. He is so much more than this illness that has caused so much grief. I was not aware, until this happened to my family, how flawed the system is when dealing with mental illness. I was not aware of the injustice, or lack of options. Today, I know. I wish I didn't.

I blame myself. Of course I do. So many things I could have, should have done differently. Not a second goes by that I don't hate myself for not fixing this for my son. That's what mothers are supposed to do: fix things for your kids. Make things right. Make good decisions for them. Keep them safe and healthy. But for me, it was all I could manage, every day, just to keep him alive.

The last night I had with my son, before that terrible day, he told me he felt he had never been seen. I replay that conversation in my mind everyday. If I could go back in time, I would like to think I would find a way to make things different. To change this course we are on. To show him I SEE HIM. I've always seen him.

But for now, I wait for his daily calls. I put money on his books. I try to keep him going and to give him hope that one day things will be different. I try not to panic when I go a day without hearing from him, or when I hear of the abuses and cruelty and deaths going on in our prisons.

And I am slowly learning to give myself a little grace. I can’t go back in time and be a perfect mom. But I can still be the best one I can be today. I’m still here, still fighting, still not giving up. Some days it helps to remind myself that I am also a child of God; loved just like my son is loved, and I am redeemable, despite all of my weaknesses and faults.

It is my hope that someday the world will be able to look at inmates and see someone’s son, someone’s daughter. See their humanity, and see that their lives have value. While this is true for everyone, I feel this is especially true for those that are mentally ill.

I hope you will choose to see the unseen. Let them know they matter. That there are people that care. That even though our system is imperfect, and the stigma around mental illness remains..so does human compassion. Just see them.

-Dianna Albee

Founder of Inside-Out Alliance of KS